I attended a church about 20 minutes from campus while I was in college. Most of my friends attended the same church, including my girl friend at the time. Of the people in my friend group, I would say I was the least likely to get lost and my truck held as many people as in vehicle in our group, so I drove a lot. But one evening, my girlfriend and some other girls decided to go to a women’s event at the church, though this was probably not the first time she had driven there, it was the first time she had driven back at night. She got lost.
She called me, definitely with some fear in her voice, because she had gotten off into south Dallas and had gotten completely turned around. There are not a lot of great neighborhoods between my church and school to get lost in so I was also somewhat fearful for her. It is also really hard to give someone direction when you don’t know where they are.
Fortunately, I did realize that no matter what part of Dallas she was lost in, it was impossible to drive in one direction for very long without running into a freeway. So that is what I told her to do, “drive in one direction, do not turn, until you see an interstate sign and then tell me what it says.” Just a few minutes later she ran into a sign that had I-20 East and I-20 West on it. Getting her back to these school from there was easy.
Working with teens is amazing, but sometimes it is also very challenging. If you are parenting a teen or even a pre-teen, you definitely have experienced the emotional challenges that come with growing up today. There are two pieces of this conversation. There are your emotions and the emotions of your teens. I hope you’ve read part one, because your spiritual foundation is critical for the rest of this conversation. (If you haven’t you can find it here.)
One of the most important components of leading your teens well in the highs and lows their teenage years is your own emotional awareness and health. It is important that you are aware and in control of your own emotions as you engage with your kids in situations that are highly emotional for them. Proverbs 16:32 emphasizes the value of an emotional intelligence.
Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.1
I almost used the NIV instead of the ESV for that verse, but there is something in language I really like in the ESV here. “He who rules his spirit.” This is great advice for parents and for anyone working with teens. Ruling well requires awareness and good choices. So to rule your spirit, you have to be self-aware and make good emotional choices.
So as you get ready to lead your teen or pre-teen through the good and the bad, ask yourself: “How do I feel right now?” Discipline yourself to pay attention to your own emotions. One of my mentors in college told the guys in our group to watch out for the H.E.A.T.: hungry, emotional, alone, & tired. These are times where we are likely to sin. The same is true for you as you engage with your teens. Dealing with highly emotional or concerning situations when the HEAT is on may put you at higher risk of sinning as you deal with whatever is happening.
I’m not sure that hungry or hangry (thank you snickers) has ever really been an issue for me, but I do know that when I’m at camp, food matters. Skipping meals when trying to deal with emotional and tired teens does not make it easier. Putting my own emotions in check as I deal with problems is also a key part of dealing with situations at camp, or at the very least paying attention to how my emotions are pushing me to act and double checking to make sure that it is a biblical response. I think this is especially true of fear and anger which are common emotions when dealing with teens, I would imagine this is especially true for parents. These two emotions very rarely lead us to good decision making, so if these are our emotions, it is important that we rule over them rather than letting them rule over us.
It is funny how much I have learned from spending weeks at a time in isolation with teens… youth camp. I always tell our adult leaders, the last day will be emotional. It is one of the days where things are most likely to go off the rails because the kids are TIRED. Every emotion is bigger, every injury more dramatic. One of the best things we can do for our teens when they’re struggling with something and they’re exhausted is getting them to sleep. This is also true for us. We are better able to deal with these things when we are taking care of ourselves both spiritually and emotionally.
If the first part of leading through the good and the bad is your emotional awareness and control, the second part is really getting a sense of what your teen is feeling. If you know me at all, you know that big emotions are not my thing. I’m pretty even keeled and honestly so is everyone in my family. My niece is the closest we have and she definitely has big feelings. This is not better or worse, it’s just different. God has designed some people to be more emotional and more emotionally expressive than others and that is a good thing. A whole world of people like me would be boring and whole world of people like my niece would probably be on fire.
One of the most important skills we learn as we grow up is emotional intelligence. This is both emotional awareness and control. Your teens will not be as good at it as you for the most part. That doesn’t mean you let them do whatever they feel, it just means you’re walking the journey of emotional intelligence with them.
Even in high school, I thought high school dating was dumb for the most part. Still do, just an fyi. When a one of my friends got dumped by a guy acting like a jerk in high school I struggled to sympathize, because I thought it was dumb to begin with, and honestly, I was right for the most part. But definitely not in every case. A lot of the things teens get upset about are dumb if we’re being honest. It’s stuff that won’t last and that won’t really matter long term. The moment to coach them on that is not always in the moment.
I have learned as their youth pastor to engage with the struggle in the moment and then later when emotions are not as high talk about the wisdom of struggling with that issue in the moment and why there are more important things in the world. Engage with them where they are and THEN lead them to where they need to be. This circles back to the story at the beginning, make sure you know where your teen is. I don’t mean their location in time and space, but when you are walking with them through the highs and the lows, make sure you know where they are coming from and if you aren’t sure, walk with them until you figure out where they are. Then start helping them get back to where they need to be.
Leading teens through good and the bad is going to involve a lot of listening, James 1:19 emphasizes the importance of being quick to listen and this is especially true for parents. Listen well to where your teens are and what they are struggling with and then shepherd them in the direction of emotional and spiritual health.
Most of what I have talked about in this post has really been focused on the bad, but parenting through the good is just as important. Whether is making a team, getting the grade, getting into that college, finding mr/mrs right now… Parent through the good as well. Engage in spiritual conversations about our blessings. We just had a holiday that is all about this, but I hope it is something you as a parent are doing on a regular basis with your family. If you would like to read more about parenting through you own emotions, considered going to Axis.org and reading some of what they write on the subject.
1 The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Pr 16:32.
John-David 
Leave a comment